I love you...I love you more.

27^th November 2007

The whole day I had been thinking about her. I was nervous as well as excited. After all it was HER birthday that day. SHE was the best thing that had ever happened to me. She was too special for me. So very special that it can’t be expressed in any form of literature known to mankind. I loved her more than anything and anyone in this world, and she was my most precious possession. The whole day I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I had a smile all day on my face. A feeling so different, that I never felt before. I left from work early, as I had to get the gift that she demanded. Finally I bought the gift, gift wrapped it and headed home.

The drive back home was always wonderful. As i drove over the Baramunda flyover, on the left the lights of the runway lit the horizon. It was mesmerizing to watch the beautiful scenery. The winter was setting in, the cool breeze blowing across my face was rejuvenating. Bhubaneswar being a busy city, these moments, these drives back home always gave me time to think and just think about how lucky I was to have such wonderful people in my life. But that day only she, occupied my thoughts. Finally I reached home. I lived in an apartment on the third floor. As I parked my car in the garage and headed towards the lift, I felt a strange nervousness. I knew she would love the gift, she wanted it for so long. But still I felt nervous. Nervous about the way she would react. Nervous because I thought she might be angry with me. I left for work while she was sleeping. Didn’t want to disturb her, so couldn’t wish her in the morning and the whole day was too busy to make a call and wish her. Suddenly I heard a bell, and then I realized that the door of the lift was left open for too long that caused it to sound the alarm. I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.

As I got inside and sat on the couch in the living room, I was still searching for her. On normal days she would be there sitting beside me and talking to me, telling me about all the things that happened with her during the day. But that day she wasn’t there. I walked into the bedroom and found her sitting on the bed, along with a number of gifts that she received from everyone else. But I noticed that none of them were opened yet. Each of them still wrapped. As I stood at the end of the bed, she raised her eyes to look at me. How can be someone so beautiful?? She had those sparkle in her eyes. Her cheeks were so pink and her hair so well kept. I knew she wasn’t in a mood to talk to me and was angry with me. As I sat on the bed beside her, she looked towards the other side. So stubborn…but believe me I loved these things about her. I kept her gift among all other gifts lying on the bed. She didn’t respond for sometime and then slowly took the gift and still facing away from me, opened it. As she saw the gift, she smiled to herself. Turning around she looked at me. Holding my ears and mouthing sorry, I spread my arms gesturing her to come to me. She kept the gift aside and came and sat over my laps. Then hugging me tight, she said. “thank you dada”. Those words were like music to my ears. I had been waiting the whole day to hear her say this. Every day I do so. And there I was, sitting on my bed, with my 5 year old daughter in my laps. I felt complete. I loved her so much. My daughter…my DAUGHTER. 

I felt a hand on my shoulders, I looked back to see Anjali standing beside me. My better half. On seeing her, Pranjali (that is what my angel is named, though I called her with thousand different names) was so eager to show her ma that what did she get as her birthday present, that she couldn’t contain her excitement. We both sat on the bed and saw her operating the airplane that she just received as her birthday present. She always had this fascination about aircrafts. All day long whenever she would hear a jet engine roar while take-off or landing she would run towards the balcony and watch it either land and come to a halt or get invisible in the blue sky where her eyes can no more see it. One day in the evening while sitting with me in the balcony, as a flight took-off she said, “dada I want to be a pilot and fly one day”. I asked her, “and from where will you get an airplane baby?” to which she replied, “I know my dada will get me one”.

As she went into the living room to get some free space to play with the airplane, I looked at Anjali. She as always patient and with a smile on her face said, “you are going to spoil her”. “I just want her to be free, and live life to the fullest” I said. I may be a father know, but I still was a kid. Anjali knew it. Sometimes I wondered how much patience has she got, because she had to deal with two kids all by herself. I was no less than a child to her. She loved me, and I adored her. I had immense amount of respect for her, and I was sure that pranjali could not have had a better ma than Anjali. “I am lucky to have you in my life”, I said. To which she smiled and replied, “we both are lucky to have you in our life”.

I was the happiest person in this world. I had a family, my own family. As I freshened up and came into the living room, she was still playing with the plane. She was too happy. I sat on the couch and watched her play. She would put herself as the pilot of the plane and would make the noises as she held the plane and rolled it along the ground and then flew it in the air, the same way she heard every day. There wasn’t a single place where she didn’t make the airplane land. On the couch, on the table, chairs, and finally on my laps, as she settled down on my laps. Leaning against me she felt protected. And for sure I would protect her from everything. From anything that comes in her way to harm her, has to go through me first. I had planned her future very meticulously. She had just started her schooling and I wanted her to get the best of everything. Any father would have done that. I wanted her to be happy and live life and leave all the worries to me. I wanted to be her best friend, and didn’t want any such barrier to crawl up between us so that she feels lonely and devoid of fatherly love. I always wanted to be there for her, listening to her, aiding her in every decision she made, but not taking decisions on her behalf. I wanted her to make mistakes and then learn from them. 

I was brought back to the present with her irritated voice, “dada…dada….dadaaa” she punched my chest  when I didn’t respond to her for the third time. I smiled and kissed her head and she knew that I was now listening to her. She started describing how her day went. How at school she made a new friend today and again today her friend, which she says is her best friend didn’t talk to her. She said she missed me today and that she was crying in the afternoon and how ma consoled her saying that I was busy and that is why forgot to wish her. As we talked, Anjali was preparing the dinner and once served she called for us. Both of us went to the dinner table and sat for dinner. I loved this part of the day, when rather sitting at the table, my daughter preferred sitting on my laps and having dinner from my plate. Though Anjali didn’t approve of this, but still she never complained. After dinner I took pranjali to bed, and lied down beside her, telling her stories about my past that how naughty a child I was. Suddenly I woke up and got bought Anjali’s mobile. I wanted a message to be recorded in pranjali’s voice so that whenever I called my wife and she isn’t able to pick it up, the recorded voice would direct me to leave her a message. After recording her voice I kept the phone on the table and continued with my stories, and she enjoyed every bit of it. It was a habit that she had developed that she wouldn’t sleep until both ma and dada were beside her. And before sleeping, she would kiss both of us and then hug her ma and sleep. Frankly speaking I was jealous of Anjali, because she always got the chance to make her sleep. I tried asking my daughter to come and sleep beside me, even I tried bribing her with chocolates, but of no use. Finally the day, 27^th November 2007 came to an end. My daughter was 5 years old now. But I had plans for her in my mind. A whole lot of plans.  I slept with content of having such a wonderful family and thanked god for blessing me with an angel.

27th November 2013

It is her birthday again.  I am still working at the office. I left for home late in the night. The drive home wasn’t as pleasant as it used to be. Things had changed. A lot of things had changed. I was no more what I used to be. My angel….she wasn’t there waiting for me for the gift. I didn’t wish her happy birthday today, not because I was busy, not because I forgot, but because I couldn’t. She wasn’t there with me anymore. I came back home with yet another gift for her. But this time I didn’t have to ring the doorbell. I had to open the door myself. Because there was no one there, to respond.

She would have turned 11 years today, had she not been on vacation that year. I would again have heard “dada” again if I would have stopped her from going her that day. My wife Anjali, I miss her touch. I miss her smile. Why did they have to leave me?? Why did they had to go?? In November 2008, one of Anjali’s cousins was getting married. So they had to go to Mumbai. Pranjali was to accompany her and I was supposed to reach there just a day before marriage. It was all fixed. Still I didn’t want them to go alone. We had planned to celebrate pranjali’s birthday in Mumbai that year. Marriage was on 26^th November, a day before her birthday. Both of them were pretty excited. They left on 20^th of November. I had to stay alone for a week. Every night I used to talk for hours with my daughter and she would describe me how fascinated she was with the city and the beauty of it. I just counted the days as I couldn’t stay away from her for long. I left for Mumbai on 25^th November,2008. They were staying in hotel Taj, the most glamorous and royal of the hotels in Mumbai. The whole family along with my in-laws was staying there.  As I reached on 26^th, I was too happy as  I was about to see my daughter. Little did I know that very shortly the whole world of mine would come down shattering as a pile of glass.  I came to know about the terrorist attacks in Mumbai and I was terrified to hear about the attacks on the Taj. The same hotel where my family was staying. I rushed from the airport directly to the hotel and found a large number of people standing behind the barriers. A lot of police and NSG commandos all over the place sweeping the area and asking us to fall back. I pushed my way through the blocks but couldn’t manage to get through. I was left there standing helplessly hearing the gunshots fired and the grenades exploding along with thousand others, praying that nothing happens to my family. But my prayers went unanswered. Both my wife and my daughter were killed in this attack.  All of a sudden, everything was taken away from me. I didn’t know how to react. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room, with my mother standing beside me. Her eyes sore due to crying. I looked around to see a number of people standing in the room. All were known faces. Then I had to accept the fact that this is it. This is the end.

It has been 5 years since I lost them. But not a single day has passed by when I don’t have this question in mind, that why me?? How can I just accept the fact and move on? What was their fault?? Why was my wife and daughter killed?? They never harmed anyone. My daughter…..my daughter was just 6 years old. She had a very long life ahead of her. Who gave these people the right to kill her?? I promised her I would protect her from any harm that comes in her way. But I failed. I couldn’t keep my promise. These terrorists…don’t they have a family? Are not they human beings? How could they kill a 6 year old kid?? What has got into these men? What is the government doing? Give me answers…I do have a lot of questions and so do many people whose life changed after this incident. I know I will never get any answer…not a single one. But don’t they deserve to get another chance to live?? Don’t I deserve to live once again?? Because since then, I have stopped living. I just exist.

This is my story. A story which goes unnoticed. People talked about this incident for a month and then they forgot about it. Mumbai was restored back to normal again. The damage done to the property was restored back in a few months. The terrorists were gunned down and the one which was caught by the police was hanged till death. But is that it? What about the damage done to the life of people those who were affected by it? What about the families who lost someone very precious to them? What about me? All I want to ask is what was my daughter’s fault in this?? What was Anjali’s fault in this? Shall I just console myself by saying that they were at the wrong place at the wrong time? Is this what I should live with?

Every night I dial Anjali’s number…I hear my daughter’s voice. She says, ”dada…ma isn’t there to talk to you now. You can leave her a message. And dada…i love you ” and all I can reply is “I love you more baby”.

An ugly truth

When I woke up in the morning, it was nothing new to me. Everything, every feeling was the same. The hollow in my heart, the void that I feel was still there. Panned out against the bed frame was past me, poor innocent me. On one side of the frame was me, and on the other was my past. My memories. And infront of those memories I was poor, because back then I had people with me. I had her with me. But now I was alone. I looked out through the window, it was a yellow morning today. These mornings, these times are such that they make you walk down your memory lane and makes you come across such memories that gives you pain. But for me this pain was good. It was the only thing that kept me alive. For it was the only way I could feel her, by missing her. It was the only way I assured myself that she was real. Turning to the other side, I looked around my room. And eventually my eyes were set on the same thing that they usually deny to move away from every morning. That coffee mug. The only gift that we both had together. This was one of the pair. The other one was gone, along with her. Sweet painful memories again occupied my thoughts. Sweet because that day in the past, was really memorable. And painful because such a day, with her will never come again. No day will ever come again when I will be with her. These thoughts made me go into a state of limbo. A state where you find nothing but darkness. I don't know since how many days I have been like this. I have really lost the count of the days even. What day was today?? Was it a sunday?? It might be, because I wasn't able to hear the normal hype and noise from the streets that usually comes during weekdays.
                  Suddenly a melodious noise made me come back to my senses. Melodious because it was the doorbell, and noise because I wasnt completely awake yet. I still wanted to sleep. Still somehow I managed to get up and walk towards the door. I wasnt expecting anyone at this time of the day. Actually no one comes over to my place to meet me. To be frank I enjoy my privacy. On opening the door I found no one. For a moment I got too irritated with the neighbourhood boys, for they play such kind of pranks always. But then I found an envelope lying down at the door step. I looked around to make sure it wasn't a part of the prank. then picked it up and closed the door. On the way back to the bedroom rather thatn opening it up, I thought about who might have sent it to me. I was never so close to my family that they would send me a letter. From workplace I had been getting a lot of calls, but never responded to any. Somehow I felt that this was my letter of dissmisal from work. Sitting on the bed I didnt feel like opening it up, but there was this urge to know what it actually was. For a long time now, I hated to believe in what i feel, because all that I felt, hurt me. I looked at that envelope. On it was written, "THAT WHAT HAS BEEN LOST". This stir up something in me. It wasn't addressed to anyone, nor on it was mentioned from where did it come from. I opened the envelope and took out what seemed to be a letter from within. On opening it, I read the first word. No this isn't true, this can't happen. Everything inside of me was pulled to a point somewhere to the left of my body, where people usually say the heart beats. I felt something that I had never felt before. A pain that was too painful to be real. I couldn't move, I wanted to shout...but was only able to mouth words. There was no voice from within to give them their proper meaning. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them. I wanted this bad dream to end. But this wasn't a dream. It was real. I still had that letter in my hand. I was feeling numb. A fire of pain took over me. The numbness started from my heart and then ran all over me. My hands, my legs, my complete body, I felt nothing.
                                                                          This had to stop. I can't let this feeling take over again. I had to know what did this mean. And only way to know that was where this letter came from?? Somehow I got up and walked towards the door. That walk was the longest walk of my life. All the yestyears, all the memories, feelings, I lived all of them in a few steps. Somewhere in the back of my find I was knowing that there would be no one on the other side of the door. But still this urge, this insatiable feeling, this rush of adrenaline, just couldn't deal with it. Finally I reached the door. On a normal day, for a normal person this is a very stupid thing to be standing near the door thinking to open it or not. But for me, it was a decision that I had to make, for I knew the consequences. Gathering up all the shattered courage from within I opened the door. The reality hit me harder than I expected. There was no one. Still I couldnt stop myself from walking further to end of the driveway. The only question I had in mind was, where was I going?? When I reached at the end of the driveway, I haulted. My legs didnt move, I didnt want them to move. I wanted to stop. Stop all of this. Suddenly it started raining. I could not make out that whether my cheeks got wet due to the rain or due to the tears that had started flowing. Even nature played its role. It was as if it was making fun of me. I wasnt even allowed to cry. I wasnt even allowed to feel my own tears. She always said, crying out makes you feel better. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to cry. The crying serum fell more and more. But I wasnt able to feel a bit of it. It didnt make me feel any better.
                                                                                   I walked back into the house. As I moved to the study, and switched on the lights, I noticed that the letter had got wet. I couldn't afford that. I sat down at the table, and opened the letter. It read:

hey stupid,

I am sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone. But I couldnt even have brought you along with me. Don't worry. I am fine here. I dont have any problems and concerns here. I have been watching you since long. What have you done to yourself?? First thing that you are going to do after reading this letter for atleast 5 times (i know you would do that) is go and shave. Look at you..you seem to be a terrorist. And please, you need to take care of yourself. I wont be saying you always when to sleep and when to get up. You are a big boy now, aren't you? But you know what baby, I have some regrets. I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to be with you for some more time. Well I had planned for a long term, but we always do not get what we want. There are a lot of things that I want to say you. I wish I could say you...I wish I could talk to you. How can you be so dependent on me?? How can you be so weak?? You have to be strong love. But you know what, this thing about you, the way u behaved like a child, the way you would come home and just cuddle beside me and hold me tight, I miss those moments. I know you want a lot of answers from me and right now you have a lot of confusions. But I would start with a few things I want you to thank about. For being there to hear me out at times. For bearing with my ever-swinging moods, for never complaining about anything, and for being such a wonderful person to me, and many more courtless reasons. Along with that I would like to apologise too..though you never say so, but I am sorry for having hurt you for  many times, which I know I did. 
                                 Never ever think that you are alone. I am always there with you. Around you. Loving you, watching you, scolding you. Well you always do things that makes me scold you. Now stop smiling, will you? Never question yourself that where I am?? You will always find me within you. I have been there within you for long. This house, I have had many memories with you here. I am there in every part of it. May it be the kitchen where you always made me sit on the slab while you cooked (well to mention I loved the food that you made), or the couch where we had endless conversations, or the bed where you spent maximum time looking at me. I never knew how could you look at me for so long without getting bored? Your passion for things sometimes amazed me. 
      As I do not have much time, I want you to know something. This is something that I read in an article, wont quote the exact words, but I want you to know, that you are an amazing person and I have always loved you for what you are. Life isn't easy, by the time you get this letter you already have known. I will always love you no matter whatever comes in between us. But you need to be strong. Your life doesnt end here. Its just the beginning. You have to live for yourself as well as for me. You have to follow your dreams and achieve them. Only then I would be happy. And you always said all you wanted to do is to make me happy. So do this for me. This is the last thing that I would ask you to do for me. I have to go now, I dont know whether I would come back or not. But I want to come back. I want to be with you. I want you to adore me, love me, hold me. I am nervous. I dont want to leave. Please take me away with you. I know I will get cured if I stay with you. I do not need these doctors, nor do I need any medicines. I need you to hold me, and say I am safe. I love you always.

Without wax,
.....

I felt a strange calm. This was her last letter. I don't know when did she manage to write this. But she did. She was my best friend, my worst critic, my unlimited source of courage and confidence, my love, my life, my wife. A month ago she died during her surgery. She met with an accident on the way back from the market. She had planned a surprise for me. She was very meticulous in hiding things from me. That day, it all ended. A car, hit her from behind. She was walking on the pavement. But that drunk bastard, hit her, killed her, took her away from me forever. I wont get her back. I wont feel her touch anymore. I wont be able to lie down in her laps anymore. I wont be able to see her beautiful face anymore. I wont be able to be myself anymore. This is my story. This is me...left behind with nothing but memories. Left behind with numerous questions, that who should I blame?? My wife for planning a surprise?? Myself for allowing her to hide things from me?? That person who was riding the car?? Or the alcohol that he had taken?? Who should I put the blame on?? And what is in there for me?? She wont come back. She never will. Its I who has to accept the fact and live with it. For this has made me learn one thing. "Time doesnt heal anything at all, it only heals the wound, but the scar, it becomes a part of who you are and what you are."