The Homecoming

That day when you had tears in your eyes and I left home I didn't know that why were you so emotional. I never realized that the world out here would be never a bed of roses. It was a long time ago, when I set forth on a journey, a path that led me away from you, and I never realized that what I felt to be too melodramatic to say at that point of time, would be the one thing that I would run upto to you and say you for a thousand times or maybe even more, but then I don't think I will ever be able to. I just cant write it down and hope that someday you read this and know that I love you.

Maa..I love you. I have always loved you. And now after all these years I am tired. I am tired of dealing with things, keeping things from you and never letting you know that how weak I am, but then they say that you get to know everything, right? You know that I miss you, you know that I still yearn for the feeling I get when i lie down in your laps and you caress my hair. It makes me feel that nothing in the world matters anymore. Nothing in the world can hurt me anymore. I want to run upto you, hug you and let you know how much I love you. I know you know that I love you, but then I just want to say it to you. I just want to get it out, and I just want to hear myself say it, because I know that I have never said it out aloud.

Maa people say no one can love me the way you do. And now I realize how true they were and how foolish I was to think otherwise. I did make mistakes and you punished me, you punished me in all ways I could have been punished and you had every right to, but then every time at the end you gave me a chance to correct myself. But things are different here. Now when I face the reality, your love for me seems to be like a reset button which I could hit anytime and things would revert back to the normal between the two of us.

Maa there were numerous times when I didn't like what you wanted me to do or what you didn't want me to do, but then it always was for my good. Frankly speaking maa, I am tired. I just want to come home and be with you. I don't want to be out here anymore. There is nothing like being with you, being pampered, being taken care of. I miss that feeling.

Maa there are a lot of things that I want to say to you, a lot of things that I want to let out because keeping them from you hurts, and I can't take it anymore. I know there were a lot of times when I have let you down. There are numerous things that I have done that has hurt you and you cried. And believe me it made me feel disgusted with myself to see you like that. But then maa, I never intended to hurt you. I just did things without knowing the consequences even if at some point of time you warned me not to. There even were times when I could do anything to help you out of some trouble or take the pain away from you because no matter how much I wanted to I just didn't know how to. There were a numerous times when I snapped at you without thinking twice about it and yet you never complained. How could you take so much and not say a word?? How could you love me so much? I could never find an answer to this and I never will, for all I know even when the world turns upside down, even then you will always love me and I will always know that I can rely on you.

Maa...I miss you.
Maa..I love you.

I am a Cancer!!

Well this post comes after a good 3 months time. But its better late than never. In this piece of work, I am not going to take you to one more of my imaginative stories, or make you feel anything, this post will be simple bare truth. The naked truth about 'US'; the cancerians. Well, though the attributes mentioned here will be a bit inclined to the way I am, but still I am sure many of the cancerians would relate to it, cause no matter how different we are from each other, somehow we all are the same.

To start with, the cancers are only in need of one thing.....L-O-V-E. Is it difficult to understand?? I guess it is not. Simple thing...L-O-V-E. And it doesn't matter where and how it comes from. We are very much inclined towards the feeling of being loved and we strive to achieve that. Having said that, we also try to do the same as much as we can. Ever seen a person walking on the road and suddenly on seeing a old man walking with a heavy bag, running upto him and offering help?? Well congrats...you just spotted a cancer. Ever seen someone madly in love with a street dog, no matter how unclean it is, well that us!! Love for us has no particular meaning and has no bounds, we love to love...and see people happy. and that is what makes us happy. Ever want to please a cancer, just let him/her do things for you...help you and that is the ultimate level of satisfaction that you can provide us with. Just to see someone close to us smile, we can go upto limits you can never think of.  It doesn't matter to us what people think of us, or what people say about us, the only thing which matters is what the person we are so crazily doing things for thinks of us. There will be times when just to see someone we care for, just to see him/her smile, we would give up all that is dear to us...work for that moment to happen for days and nights together and finally make it happen. Well that is who we are and how we are. I am a Cancer!!

Have you ever heard of a cancer's priority list?? I bet someday or the other a cancerian must have said you about his/her priority list. And this priority list doesn't contain the list of things that we want to do or the feats we want to achieve. This is the priority list of people who matter to us. And as far as the number of cancerians I know....all of them have one thing in common...in their priority list of people their friends come first. One thing is for sure...the craziest friends that you would ever get would be cancerians. This priority list of ours, this keeps on changing, well not the way you think it changes...but it still changes. Confusing isn't it?? Well that is one thing that a cancer can be blamed as...confusing. But dare you say this to cancer, cause for you it might seem confusing but for us it is not. We know how we manage our priority list and how it does change at times.  I am a Cancer!!

Coming to the level of attachment that a cancer has with people around him/her, well this is something which we are very much concerned about. We are never really concerned about how we look, you might just have spotted a cancer looking very shabby with unkept hair, poor sense of dressing and showing up in a place where he/she looks out of league, but then what really bothers us is how do people get attached to us. We find every person interesting, and try to bond with each and every one we meet and yes it is true that we try to make a good impression on people when we meet them for the first time. Do you have a friend or someone you know, whom you havent met for a long time and then when you meet him/her, he/she behaves as if you were meant to be brothers or sisters or friends forever?? Well you just found a lost cancerian friend. Every person we come across doesn't get a place in our 'priority list' but then the person who does, we make it very clear to the same person through our words or action that he/she means a lot to us. And when we say this, do not take us to be the one's who fool around...we are pretty serious when we say this. I am a Cancer!!

F-R-I-E-N-D well this word means the world to a cancer. As I already mentioned, friends come in the top of the priority list of a cancer. We basically discard the old notion which says, 'A friend in need is a friend indeed', for us friends mean a simple thing, an integral part of life without whom we cannot sustain. From the very beginning of our life, most of the cancerians have been dependent on friends for many things. We share all our secrets with them, share all our fears, share all our happiness and sorrows and make their pains our own. One thing that we can never tolerate is a friend in pain. Having said that, we are very choosy while being friends with people. I know it contradicts our behavior of being amicable and sociable, but then you need to keep in mind that we are crabs. Have you ever seen a crab lying dead on the shore and just when you think you are about to catch it, it jumps back to life and runs away quickly? This particular attribute of the crab, the pretending nature to be dead when it actually is not, well we have inculcated it very well. That nowhere means that we are hypocrites, no. Hypocrisy is not something that we support or like. This just simply means that though we are friendly with a hell lot people, we open up to very few.  And those very few come at the top of the same 'priority list'. Those few are the ones that we really share anything and everything that we feel like. One thing about a cancer that we seldom have enemies, there are people whom we try not be with, but then if someday somewhere we see them in trouble we would be the first to help. All our frustration, our mood swings, our love, affection, care, emotions...everything...they bear it all. And we always remain ever thankful to them for bearing with us all the time. I am a Cancer!!

Girls have some serious mood swings every month during their P days. But wait!! Meet a cancer, and then you will know that that even we have some serious mood swings. Ask some of our close friends and they will let you know what kind of mood swings we have. All these mood swings are erratic and sudden. I mean, just a moment ago we will be all smiling and laughing and then suddenly we would go all quiet and silent and refrain from talking to anyone. And believe me, this behavior is really frustrating. We think...over-think...and then keep on thinking about the same thing over and over again, applying all the possible logic that we can possibly come up with and finding out reasons as why the person did whatever he/she did. Little things do affect us in a grand way, and spoils or enlightens our mood. Cancers are in general very...no wait..very very moody and you have the freedom of giving us 10 on 10 or let's say 11 on 10 on 'being moody' scale. Just to make you clear about how moody we can get, if there is something a cancerian is very fond of doing, on any given day when his/her mood is not on the normal scale, he/she will seriously refrain from doing the same which any other day he/she would be the first one to do. Though i shouldn't be saying this at the end of this paragraph, but still, I am a Cancer!!


Cancers are impulsive, they are emotional and as I mentioned earlier they are touched too much touched with the little things that you do for them. They are very expressive when it comes to their emotions but then again they are introverts when it comes to talk about them. They take time to open up to people and when they do, you will always be amazed by the things they have in store for you. Their are very caring, sometimes they care for you and shower love in a motherly way. They have the ability to make people feel better at times and one thing that many cancerians possess is the ability to sense people's mood. If you are close to us, and we understand you well, then there is no escaping our keen eye to sense your mood. We can guess out your state of mind and say if you are not in a good mood. Having said all of this, we do things selflessly....there are very rare cancerians you will find who expect you do things in return for what they do for you. One thing which pisses us off, is when people hesitate to ask for help because they think they are being a burden to us, for them I just have to say that please, ask for what you want. If it is possible on our part, we would do it without any question and happily, and if it is not we would politely ask you that we can't help you in this. But the possibility of the latter coming true is very less.

Though we may seem serious, angry and I don't know what all people take us to be, deep within we are too soft, emotional and childish. Yes, we are childish. We love being pampered and treated like a child. And here, I don't mean that guide us through what we do, step-by-step telling us what to do and what no to but loving us the same way as you love a small kid. We cancerians are affected a lot by small things. Small things as not wishing a goodnight can be a very big turn off for us. And this simple thing can be the reason why we are completely out of our normal self the next day. While dealing with us you have to be utmost careful about the small things that you say or do, but at the same time, you can be carefree and be yourself all the time, because we would accept you the way you are. Small things that can make us feel good might be just some normal things for you but they really do mean a lot to us. Things like bringing some hand-cooked noodles when we are really hungry, taking our notes and completing them when we haven't asked you to do so. Singing a song for us when we really are bored, or just giving a tap on our shoulders and letting us know that you are there for us; are some things that makes us happy to the limits you can never think of. But then, be advised, when you do these things for a cancer, they seldom show any signs of being pleased, but do not take it as they are not pleased. They would just say a "thank you" or just look at you and smile, and that is because when someone does something for them, they fall short of words and emotions take over.

Being emotional is something cancer is made up of, but then as much as we say we are emotional, we hate crying. That is because we cannot cry. I know it sounds ridiculous but that is the way it is. Crying over something is very rare for a cancer. Btu then you can cry out as much as you want in front of a cancer and he/she will always give you a shoulder to lean on. Seeing someone cry, makes us feel jealous. Jealous because we see them crying and getting relieved but we cannot do the same. But having said that, we often cry when we are alone, and you would not believe when I say this certain movie sequences and certain scenes provoke the tears that we had very well concealed from others. That is how we are. That is how sensitive we can be. At times we have this sudden urge to just go and be with someone, just go and hug friend, just call up someone and not talk and not even let the other person talk, just keep quiet and feel their presence.We do have these kind of urges but then we do not depict them because somewhere deep down we are afraid that we might be taken as stupid, or filmy. But believe me, these are not filmy, i mean try doing such stuff, and it feels good (though stupid). Cancers are really imaginative, (If you want to know how, then read all my previous blog posts.) they can make take you into an imaginary world that they have just created for you and make you feel that you really are a part of it. They take notice of the tiniest details, like the colour of your nailpaint that you wore on some particular day and they have this quality of being descriptive about something(which by now you must have known). They can go on describing a very small thing in pages and still they would be able to add things to it to make it look poetic. They have a keen interest in literature and respect all kinds of talents around them, may it be in singing, dancing, drawing or any such art form.I am a Cancer!!

Having said all of this, I would say, 'to err is human' and so, even cancers hurt people. But as no one intentionally hurts another, we cancerians are no different, we do not intentionally hurt people, but then it just happens. If other feel bad or sorry  knowing that their friends are hurt due to them, for cancers it kills them to know that they are the reason that their loved ones being hurt by their words or actions. They just don't know what to do, or how to make up to them. This particular trait of cancer, is something I feel is the most irritating thing for a cancer himself/herself. When they hurt someone and then they get to know that they are the reason behind it, they feel worse than the other person does, and this thing throws them off track. Then comes the phase when a cancer thinks that he/she isn't capable to be with them or doesn't deserve to be with them. And hence the change in behavior. One more thing, a cancer has the greatest fear of being alone, being left out. That haunts them all the time and they become extra careful about what they do or say to the people they love so that they don't get hurt in any way whatsoever, but sadly this turns out to be the problem. By being this way they start not being their own self. But one thing is for sure, ask anyone how a particular cancer is, they would say positive things about him/her, but go to a person who knows a cancer very well, and then you would know about all of stupid things that they do, all the numerous times they have hurt them and how pissed off they are with the cancer's mood swings. It is a very simple thing for us, we hurt the same people whom we love more than anything and anyone else in this universe. And that is because we actually are what we are in front of the people whom we really love and open up to. For others, they just witness the hard outer surface of us that we have and not the soft inner self that we possess. And yes, I am a Cancer!!




I have tremendously hurt people, and also loved some more than everything. And just like every other cancerian, the same people fall in both the above mentioned categories, and I am sure, they are reading this right now (and as they read this particular line they smiled to themselves...cmon now stop smiling...awww dont get teary eyed and all..please!!). There are these two beautiful people in my life who have known me inside out, who have been with me all the time and I believe will continue to be till the end of time. One among them is my better half, and the other my alter-ego. I simply cannot live without them. But then, I have hurt them a lot. Not once, twice, numerous times. And every time I do hurt them, they simply take it within themselves and continue loving me the way they did, or even more.  I simply don't know how long can they forgive me and keep on loving me, because no matter how much I try I commit mistakes. But then I would want you lovely people to know that I do love you guys a lot...and yes, I mean it.  I have been selfish at times, I have lied, I have not been there for you, I have been a dumb and not understood you at times, but then one thing that I simply cannot change is that I love you guys a lot. And no matter what I would always be there for you as you have been there for me, all the time.  I know I have said this numerous times and still I would not hesitate in saying this once again...I love you and I am sorry for all the times that I have hurt you. (For all others, let me say you one thing, out of the two people who get mentioned here. while reading this, one would be I guess crying or at least teary eyed (and she just smiled) and the other would be saying this "nautanki saala"). One thing that I would like to say to you, "They say that you miss someone upto a certain extent and then it doesn't make any difference. But believe me they are WRONG. When you guys are not there with me, I miss you more and more with each passing day. At first it was not missing you, it was just the absence of your presence, but slowly I feel the absence. I start craving for your presence and then the absence creates a void within me. And then every minute minute that passes the same void pulls me within it. Its like my whole world is being dragged into the void. You guys are the source of my motivation, my inspiration, my passion and my imagination. You are the air I breathe. Without your presence, life has no particular meaning to it."



So this is me, and I AM A CANCER!!

Happy birthday!!

Childhood friends are such…and they create such place in your life which no one else can ever fill up.  I still remember the first time I met her, it was the 2^nd or 3^rd day of my school. I used to travel in a rickshaw from home to school, and I was the first one to be picked up. I was sitting quietly when the rickshaw stopped in front of a lane, and from the lane, she was walking down with her bag on her shoulders, and a water bottle hung around her neck. She came up to the rickshaw, climbed up, sat, looked at me, smiled and asked, “u new? “  I nodded and replied “yes”. That was the first time we met.

Since then we were inseparable. We became close buddies and slowly it turned out to be best buddies. All the immense fun that we had. All the stupid things that we did, starting from the bull fights that we used to have in the rickshaw, to teasing each other till we were out of each other’s sight, and I must mention girl, that stupid action that you had…whenever you saw two birds, and the way you used to pray for good luck. And how can I forget the numerous times we fought…hitting each other. I still remember the evening when you came over to my place, and I was sleeping and then how I was prompting you from behind maa, so that you lie to her about the marks in the test. And do you remember the day when I had been to your place to write some notes and that stupid oriya movie that was going on and we were making fun out of it. And also the way we had that secret group of ours “SAN”. I still remember shouting at you on the top of my voice in Sakhina miss’s class. I will ever remain thankful to you for writing down all the homework given to us in school in my diary on the way back home. I don’t know girl what would I have done without you. I was always amazed by your art…you are really a fabulous artist, and I remember how excited I was to see you performing on the track “Nikkama kia is dil ne”. All the games that we four played. And obviously how can I forget the dream, room 501 and room 502.

I still remember how you used to run along to the terrace whenever you heard a chopper fly by. And the way you would chew your food using your front teeth. The way we would share our tiffin on the way back home. And believe me, those banana chips that you bought once, chiii…it was yuck.

All this time…till you left in class 5 I never realized we were making memories, I just thought we were having fun. From being my first friend, to my first girl friend, and also my first crush, you have made me realize one thing buddy. Even where the affections are not strongly moved by any superior excellence. The companions of our childhood always possess a certain power over our minds and hearts which hardly any later friend can obtain. Today on this special day, I just wanna tell you that you have always meant a lot to me, and you will always mean so. Thank you varsha. Niki, kutti, kamini, aur pata nai kya kya….to be a darling as you are. Happy birthday to you. Love you buddy.

The signal that changed lives

It was just another busy evening for the hundreds of other people in the busy railway station of secunderabad, but for Toshi, it was not just another evening. She was about to make a journey, a journey that would take her to the untamed world, where she would be out of the protective shell that she had been living till then. Toshi was about to come to a new state, a new place altogether where she knew no-one and was about to make new friends. She was about to come to Bhubaneswar, the capital of Odisha, to pursue her engineering in the Institute Of Technical Education And Research (ITER). The college was not much renowned, but was quite popular in the eastern India.

                      Toshi was pretty excited about her going to this college. She like all others had many plans, had seen and lived many dreams before this day actually came. And now when she was on the verge of going to live her dreams, she felt nervous.  strange feeling sunk in her which she never thought she would feel. It struck her mind that for four years from now, she would be away from her home, her family. She realized how much she would miss them. How much she would miss her mother's care and dad's love. Her eyes became moist, but then here we are talking about Toshi, she isn't that weak. Holding back her emotions, with a smile on her face and a lot of dreams she was ready to set on a journey of life. 

                                                    Soon the train that was about to take her to the city where she would live her dreams came and she got into it. Coming near the door and standing there to wave goodbye to her family, she once again felt that strange feeling, but then she had to be strong, cause now she was a big girl. The station master cleared the signal for the train to leave and the signal turned green from red, within a moments notice the train was taking her away, away from her family and into a new world, a new place where she would live her life on her own terms. 

                                       Institute Of Technical Education And Research

This is what the was written on the gate. This place, this name was what she was  going to be associated with for the next four years and even after that this name would mean a lot to her. The college life of four years was far better than what she thought it would be like. She had friends, friends that were now a part of her life and a very important reason for her existence. They all loved her, and so did she. But then the end was approaching. The end to all of this. the time when it was time to return back to where she came from. To return back to her own place, her home. But the question that remained was whether she was going home or going from home?? Cause in these four years things had changed. She had been a part of this place and these people, her friends had become a part of each other's life. It was now difficult to imagine a single day without them. But she had to, cause life never stops, it has to move on. Finally the day came, when she had to leave the place and go back. She was now four years elder than when she came here, but that is just what she didnt want to happen, she wanted these times to just come back once again. She wanted to live those memories again and again. It was all the same for her, history repeated itself. Four years ago, she had been through the same. But there was only one difference. The last time she had been on the train, there were people on the other side, who were worried for her, who loved her, who cared for her and then those who expected her to do something good in her future. But this time the scenario was different, on the other side there were a bunch of crazy people whom she called as friends forever, people who were unconditionally in love with her, who didn't actually knew to define care, respect, expectation but still they had all of it in them.  

This time Toshi didnt had to hold back her emotions, she didnt have to be strong, cause she couldn't be stron in front of a crazy bunch of people who loved her unconditionally and were willing to do anything she said, if she would just not go and stay with them for some more time. The signal again changed from red to green like the last time, and yet again she was taken away. But this parting seemed more painful. As the train caught up speed so did the legs of all those who  had come to see her off. They still were fighting a lost battle, and still wanted her to stay. But she couldn't, cause she had to go. All of us have to go, one day or the other. And so she went. Leaving behind all the memories. 

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Hello everyone, either you have been tagged in this post or you haven't been tagged. Now for those who haven't been tagged, the above is a real story. Its about one of my seniors Toshi di. And for all those who have been tagged, you again maybe either my seniors or my friends. Well I have a lots of things to say to both of you.

To all my seniors,

We have a different world of ours when we are with our friends.Where nothing but only we matter. Love is all that is prominently seen. Care is the only attitude displayed. Laughter is the only noise created. And emotions, attachment, well these things are surreal. The whole world is left behind, all the worries, all the concerns seems vague and all we have in mind is each one of us. I have yet two more years to go but in these two years that I have spent with my friends and you all, have been the best of my life. I have a dream, I always want to see you all the way you are now. So close, so emotionally attached, so much of unconditional love you all have for one another, it's something I really admire. The college, well it may have given you or not given you anything. There might have been times when you have felt like abusing all the administrative staffs f the college, but then just look around, you have got the best bunch of handpicked people around you who complete you in every sense. Well I am pretty sure starting from the very 1st year, the summer vacations might have seemed too boring without friends, and this particular line, "kana kariba be 3 months" might have been asked to all your friends. Many groups might have been formed, some on still exist, others exist but members dont. Some groups may have been again sub-divided into subgroups. Many might have had fallen in love, and for many love is something which happened every other day. And academics, well we all know what and how the system works. But all things kept apart, these four years was the only four years in our life when we neither lived for someone, nor lived for ourselves, we all lived each and every moment of our lives with someone. And that feeling, is priceless.

After you all go, the college would not be the same, well nothing much would change in the college though, but for us, things wont be the same. The amount of love you all have showered upon us, we are all lucky to have you. The best seniors I have ever had. And believe me, Toshi di, Nirrlipta di, Saswat dada.....and to all those whom I couldn't go to see off, it was too difficult to hold back the emotions and the feelings. I somehow managed to be strong, but every instance I incurred a loss. A loss which will never be made up to. You all are superb people, so lovely, hope you stay this way forever. 

To all my friends,

Well there is nothing that lasts forever. But yes we make it last for long, and then longer, and then longer again. That day in station, I was standing and looking at her, at Tosi di, she was talking to one of her friends, when suddenly from the corner of my eye I caught the change of light from red to green and then the train gave a jerk. As soon as it moved, tears started rolling down her cheeks. I just could stand back and think of one thing, so many years spent together, so many memories they might have had, so many happy moments, so many fights, and then a simple change of light ended it all for them. It hurt, I sat down on one of the benches. It was something new to me, a feeling which I would have felt two more years later, but I was feeling it now, along with the people I had come with. I promised myself something then and there, one thing is for sure, I haven't got much time left with me. Two years isn't enough for me to be content. I would want to live with you guys forever. But then that wouldn't be possible. So let's not waste a single second from now on. I know all of us have made some mistakes at a point of time. All of us might have hurt each other at some point of time. All of us might have had ego clashes at some point of time. And I know I have behaved so stupidly at times, have hurt you a thousand times and have been an asshole at times, and me really sorry for all of it. But then we have got very less time with us. Two more years will pass away like the two years that just passed or even quicker. One thing which I would never want, is when we go to see off each other, no one would have any regret of not doing anything. Lets buckle up, live life to the fullest and enjoy life like no other. Love you guys. I would have been nothing without your love and support.

I love you...I love you more.

27^th November 2007

The whole day I had been thinking about her. I was nervous as well as excited. After all it was HER birthday that day. SHE was the best thing that had ever happened to me. She was too special for me. So very special that it can’t be expressed in any form of literature known to mankind. I loved her more than anything and anyone in this world, and she was my most precious possession. The whole day I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I had a smile all day on my face. A feeling so different, that I never felt before. I left from work early, as I had to get the gift that she demanded. Finally I bought the gift, gift wrapped it and headed home.

The drive back home was always wonderful. As i drove over the Baramunda flyover, on the left the lights of the runway lit the horizon. It was mesmerizing to watch the beautiful scenery. The winter was setting in, the cool breeze blowing across my face was rejuvenating. Bhubaneswar being a busy city, these moments, these drives back home always gave me time to think and just think about how lucky I was to have such wonderful people in my life. But that day only she, occupied my thoughts. Finally I reached home. I lived in an apartment on the third floor. As I parked my car in the garage and headed towards the lift, I felt a strange nervousness. I knew she would love the gift, she wanted it for so long. But still I felt nervous. Nervous about the way she would react. Nervous because I thought she might be angry with me. I left for work while she was sleeping. Didn’t want to disturb her, so couldn’t wish her in the morning and the whole day was too busy to make a call and wish her. Suddenly I heard a bell, and then I realized that the door of the lift was left open for too long that caused it to sound the alarm. I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.

As I got inside and sat on the couch in the living room, I was still searching for her. On normal days she would be there sitting beside me and talking to me, telling me about all the things that happened with her during the day. But that day she wasn’t there. I walked into the bedroom and found her sitting on the bed, along with a number of gifts that she received from everyone else. But I noticed that none of them were opened yet. Each of them still wrapped. As I stood at the end of the bed, she raised her eyes to look at me. How can be someone so beautiful?? She had those sparkle in her eyes. Her cheeks were so pink and her hair so well kept. I knew she wasn’t in a mood to talk to me and was angry with me. As I sat on the bed beside her, she looked towards the other side. So stubborn…but believe me I loved these things about her. I kept her gift among all other gifts lying on the bed. She didn’t respond for sometime and then slowly took the gift and still facing away from me, opened it. As she saw the gift, she smiled to herself. Turning around she looked at me. Holding my ears and mouthing sorry, I spread my arms gesturing her to come to me. She kept the gift aside and came and sat over my laps. Then hugging me tight, she said. “thank you dada”. Those words were like music to my ears. I had been waiting the whole day to hear her say this. Every day I do so. And there I was, sitting on my bed, with my 5 year old daughter in my laps. I felt complete. I loved her so much. My daughter…my DAUGHTER. 

I felt a hand on my shoulders, I looked back to see Anjali standing beside me. My better half. On seeing her, Pranjali (that is what my angel is named, though I called her with thousand different names) was so eager to show her ma that what did she get as her birthday present, that she couldn’t contain her excitement. We both sat on the bed and saw her operating the airplane that she just received as her birthday present. She always had this fascination about aircrafts. All day long whenever she would hear a jet engine roar while take-off or landing she would run towards the balcony and watch it either land and come to a halt or get invisible in the blue sky where her eyes can no more see it. One day in the evening while sitting with me in the balcony, as a flight took-off she said, “dada I want to be a pilot and fly one day”. I asked her, “and from where will you get an airplane baby?” to which she replied, “I know my dada will get me one”.

As she went into the living room to get some free space to play with the airplane, I looked at Anjali. She as always patient and with a smile on her face said, “you are going to spoil her”. “I just want her to be free, and live life to the fullest” I said. I may be a father know, but I still was a kid. Anjali knew it. Sometimes I wondered how much patience has she got, because she had to deal with two kids all by herself. I was no less than a child to her. She loved me, and I adored her. I had immense amount of respect for her, and I was sure that pranjali could not have had a better ma than Anjali. “I am lucky to have you in my life”, I said. To which she smiled and replied, “we both are lucky to have you in our life”.

I was the happiest person in this world. I had a family, my own family. As I freshened up and came into the living room, she was still playing with the plane. She was too happy. I sat on the couch and watched her play. She would put herself as the pilot of the plane and would make the noises as she held the plane and rolled it along the ground and then flew it in the air, the same way she heard every day. There wasn’t a single place where she didn’t make the airplane land. On the couch, on the table, chairs, and finally on my laps, as she settled down on my laps. Leaning against me she felt protected. And for sure I would protect her from everything. From anything that comes in her way to harm her, has to go through me first. I had planned her future very meticulously. She had just started her schooling and I wanted her to get the best of everything. Any father would have done that. I wanted her to be happy and live life and leave all the worries to me. I wanted to be her best friend, and didn’t want any such barrier to crawl up between us so that she feels lonely and devoid of fatherly love. I always wanted to be there for her, listening to her, aiding her in every decision she made, but not taking decisions on her behalf. I wanted her to make mistakes and then learn from them. 

I was brought back to the present with her irritated voice, “dada…dada….dadaaa” she punched my chest  when I didn’t respond to her for the third time. I smiled and kissed her head and she knew that I was now listening to her. She started describing how her day went. How at school she made a new friend today and again today her friend, which she says is her best friend didn’t talk to her. She said she missed me today and that she was crying in the afternoon and how ma consoled her saying that I was busy and that is why forgot to wish her. As we talked, Anjali was preparing the dinner and once served she called for us. Both of us went to the dinner table and sat for dinner. I loved this part of the day, when rather sitting at the table, my daughter preferred sitting on my laps and having dinner from my plate. Though Anjali didn’t approve of this, but still she never complained. After dinner I took pranjali to bed, and lied down beside her, telling her stories about my past that how naughty a child I was. Suddenly I woke up and got bought Anjali’s mobile. I wanted a message to be recorded in pranjali’s voice so that whenever I called my wife and she isn’t able to pick it up, the recorded voice would direct me to leave her a message. After recording her voice I kept the phone on the table and continued with my stories, and she enjoyed every bit of it. It was a habit that she had developed that she wouldn’t sleep until both ma and dada were beside her. And before sleeping, she would kiss both of us and then hug her ma and sleep. Frankly speaking I was jealous of Anjali, because she always got the chance to make her sleep. I tried asking my daughter to come and sleep beside me, even I tried bribing her with chocolates, but of no use. Finally the day, 27^th November 2007 came to an end. My daughter was 5 years old now. But I had plans for her in my mind. A whole lot of plans.  I slept with content of having such a wonderful family and thanked god for blessing me with an angel.

27th November 2013

It is her birthday again.  I am still working at the office. I left for home late in the night. The drive home wasn’t as pleasant as it used to be. Things had changed. A lot of things had changed. I was no more what I used to be. My angel….she wasn’t there waiting for me for the gift. I didn’t wish her happy birthday today, not because I was busy, not because I forgot, but because I couldn’t. She wasn’t there with me anymore. I came back home with yet another gift for her. But this time I didn’t have to ring the doorbell. I had to open the door myself. Because there was no one there, to respond.

She would have turned 11 years today, had she not been on vacation that year. I would again have heard “dada” again if I would have stopped her from going her that day. My wife Anjali, I miss her touch. I miss her smile. Why did they have to leave me?? Why did they had to go?? In November 2008, one of Anjali’s cousins was getting married. So they had to go to Mumbai. Pranjali was to accompany her and I was supposed to reach there just a day before marriage. It was all fixed. Still I didn’t want them to go alone. We had planned to celebrate pranjali’s birthday in Mumbai that year. Marriage was on 26^th November, a day before her birthday. Both of them were pretty excited. They left on 20^th of November. I had to stay alone for a week. Every night I used to talk for hours with my daughter and she would describe me how fascinated she was with the city and the beauty of it. I just counted the days as I couldn’t stay away from her for long. I left for Mumbai on 25^th November,2008. They were staying in hotel Taj, the most glamorous and royal of the hotels in Mumbai. The whole family along with my in-laws was staying there.  As I reached on 26^th, I was too happy as  I was about to see my daughter. Little did I know that very shortly the whole world of mine would come down shattering as a pile of glass.  I came to know about the terrorist attacks in Mumbai and I was terrified to hear about the attacks on the Taj. The same hotel where my family was staying. I rushed from the airport directly to the hotel and found a large number of people standing behind the barriers. A lot of police and NSG commandos all over the place sweeping the area and asking us to fall back. I pushed my way through the blocks but couldn’t manage to get through. I was left there standing helplessly hearing the gunshots fired and the grenades exploding along with thousand others, praying that nothing happens to my family. But my prayers went unanswered. Both my wife and my daughter were killed in this attack.  All of a sudden, everything was taken away from me. I didn’t know how to react. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room, with my mother standing beside me. Her eyes sore due to crying. I looked around to see a number of people standing in the room. All were known faces. Then I had to accept the fact that this is it. This is the end.

It has been 5 years since I lost them. But not a single day has passed by when I don’t have this question in mind, that why me?? How can I just accept the fact and move on? What was their fault?? Why was my wife and daughter killed?? They never harmed anyone. My daughter…..my daughter was just 6 years old. She had a very long life ahead of her. Who gave these people the right to kill her?? I promised her I would protect her from any harm that comes in her way. But I failed. I couldn’t keep my promise. These terrorists…don’t they have a family? Are not they human beings? How could they kill a 6 year old kid?? What has got into these men? What is the government doing? Give me answers…I do have a lot of questions and so do many people whose life changed after this incident. I know I will never get any answer…not a single one. But don’t they deserve to get another chance to live?? Don’t I deserve to live once again?? Because since then, I have stopped living. I just exist.

This is my story. A story which goes unnoticed. People talked about this incident for a month and then they forgot about it. Mumbai was restored back to normal again. The damage done to the property was restored back in a few months. The terrorists were gunned down and the one which was caught by the police was hanged till death. But is that it? What about the damage done to the life of people those who were affected by it? What about the families who lost someone very precious to them? What about me? All I want to ask is what was my daughter’s fault in this?? What was Anjali’s fault in this? Shall I just console myself by saying that they were at the wrong place at the wrong time? Is this what I should live with?

Every night I dial Anjali’s number…I hear my daughter’s voice. She says, ”dada…ma isn’t there to talk to you now. You can leave her a message. And dada…i love you ” and all I can reply is “I love you more baby”.

An ugly truth

When I woke up in the morning, it was nothing new to me. Everything, every feeling was the same. The hollow in my heart, the void that I feel was still there. Panned out against the bed frame was past me, poor innocent me. On one side of the frame was me, and on the other was my past. My memories. And infront of those memories I was poor, because back then I had people with me. I had her with me. But now I was alone. I looked out through the window, it was a yellow morning today. These mornings, these times are such that they make you walk down your memory lane and makes you come across such memories that gives you pain. But for me this pain was good. It was the only thing that kept me alive. For it was the only way I could feel her, by missing her. It was the only way I assured myself that she was real. Turning to the other side, I looked around my room. And eventually my eyes were set on the same thing that they usually deny to move away from every morning. That coffee mug. The only gift that we both had together. This was one of the pair. The other one was gone, along with her. Sweet painful memories again occupied my thoughts. Sweet because that day in the past, was really memorable. And painful because such a day, with her will never come again. No day will ever come again when I will be with her. These thoughts made me go into a state of limbo. A state where you find nothing but darkness. I don't know since how many days I have been like this. I have really lost the count of the days even. What day was today?? Was it a sunday?? It might be, because I wasn't able to hear the normal hype and noise from the streets that usually comes during weekdays.
                  Suddenly a melodious noise made me come back to my senses. Melodious because it was the doorbell, and noise because I wasnt completely awake yet. I still wanted to sleep. Still somehow I managed to get up and walk towards the door. I wasnt expecting anyone at this time of the day. Actually no one comes over to my place to meet me. To be frank I enjoy my privacy. On opening the door I found no one. For a moment I got too irritated with the neighbourhood boys, for they play such kind of pranks always. But then I found an envelope lying down at the door step. I looked around to make sure it wasn't a part of the prank. then picked it up and closed the door. On the way back to the bedroom rather thatn opening it up, I thought about who might have sent it to me. I was never so close to my family that they would send me a letter. From workplace I had been getting a lot of calls, but never responded to any. Somehow I felt that this was my letter of dissmisal from work. Sitting on the bed I didnt feel like opening it up, but there was this urge to know what it actually was. For a long time now, I hated to believe in what i feel, because all that I felt, hurt me. I looked at that envelope. On it was written, "THAT WHAT HAS BEEN LOST". This stir up something in me. It wasn't addressed to anyone, nor on it was mentioned from where did it come from. I opened the envelope and took out what seemed to be a letter from within. On opening it, I read the first word. No this isn't true, this can't happen. Everything inside of me was pulled to a point somewhere to the left of my body, where people usually say the heart beats. I felt something that I had never felt before. A pain that was too painful to be real. I couldn't move, I wanted to shout...but was only able to mouth words. There was no voice from within to give them their proper meaning. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them. I wanted this bad dream to end. But this wasn't a dream. It was real. I still had that letter in my hand. I was feeling numb. A fire of pain took over me. The numbness started from my heart and then ran all over me. My hands, my legs, my complete body, I felt nothing.
                                                                          This had to stop. I can't let this feeling take over again. I had to know what did this mean. And only way to know that was where this letter came from?? Somehow I got up and walked towards the door. That walk was the longest walk of my life. All the yestyears, all the memories, feelings, I lived all of them in a few steps. Somewhere in the back of my find I was knowing that there would be no one on the other side of the door. But still this urge, this insatiable feeling, this rush of adrenaline, just couldn't deal with it. Finally I reached the door. On a normal day, for a normal person this is a very stupid thing to be standing near the door thinking to open it or not. But for me, it was a decision that I had to make, for I knew the consequences. Gathering up all the shattered courage from within I opened the door. The reality hit me harder than I expected. There was no one. Still I couldnt stop myself from walking further to end of the driveway. The only question I had in mind was, where was I going?? When I reached at the end of the driveway, I haulted. My legs didnt move, I didnt want them to move. I wanted to stop. Stop all of this. Suddenly it started raining. I could not make out that whether my cheeks got wet due to the rain or due to the tears that had started flowing. Even nature played its role. It was as if it was making fun of me. I wasnt even allowed to cry. I wasnt even allowed to feel my own tears. She always said, crying out makes you feel better. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to cry. The crying serum fell more and more. But I wasnt able to feel a bit of it. It didnt make me feel any better.
                                                                                   I walked back into the house. As I moved to the study, and switched on the lights, I noticed that the letter had got wet. I couldn't afford that. I sat down at the table, and opened the letter. It read:

hey stupid,

I am sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone. But I couldnt even have brought you along with me. Don't worry. I am fine here. I dont have any problems and concerns here. I have been watching you since long. What have you done to yourself?? First thing that you are going to do after reading this letter for atleast 5 times (i know you would do that) is go and shave. Look at you..you seem to be a terrorist. And please, you need to take care of yourself. I wont be saying you always when to sleep and when to get up. You are a big boy now, aren't you? But you know what baby, I have some regrets. I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to be with you for some more time. Well I had planned for a long term, but we always do not get what we want. There are a lot of things that I want to say you. I wish I could say you...I wish I could talk to you. How can you be so dependent on me?? How can you be so weak?? You have to be strong love. But you know what, this thing about you, the way u behaved like a child, the way you would come home and just cuddle beside me and hold me tight, I miss those moments. I know you want a lot of answers from me and right now you have a lot of confusions. But I would start with a few things I want you to thank about. For being there to hear me out at times. For bearing with my ever-swinging moods, for never complaining about anything, and for being such a wonderful person to me, and many more courtless reasons. Along with that I would like to apologise too..though you never say so, but I am sorry for having hurt you for  many times, which I know I did. 
                                 Never ever think that you are alone. I am always there with you. Around you. Loving you, watching you, scolding you. Well you always do things that makes me scold you. Now stop smiling, will you? Never question yourself that where I am?? You will always find me within you. I have been there within you for long. This house, I have had many memories with you here. I am there in every part of it. May it be the kitchen where you always made me sit on the slab while you cooked (well to mention I loved the food that you made), or the couch where we had endless conversations, or the bed where you spent maximum time looking at me. I never knew how could you look at me for so long without getting bored? Your passion for things sometimes amazed me. 
      As I do not have much time, I want you to know something. This is something that I read in an article, wont quote the exact words, but I want you to know, that you are an amazing person and I have always loved you for what you are. Life isn't easy, by the time you get this letter you already have known. I will always love you no matter whatever comes in between us. But you need to be strong. Your life doesnt end here. Its just the beginning. You have to live for yourself as well as for me. You have to follow your dreams and achieve them. Only then I would be happy. And you always said all you wanted to do is to make me happy. So do this for me. This is the last thing that I would ask you to do for me. I have to go now, I dont know whether I would come back or not. But I want to come back. I want to be with you. I want you to adore me, love me, hold me. I am nervous. I dont want to leave. Please take me away with you. I know I will get cured if I stay with you. I do not need these doctors, nor do I need any medicines. I need you to hold me, and say I am safe. I love you always.

Without wax,
.....

I felt a strange calm. This was her last letter. I don't know when did she manage to write this. But she did. She was my best friend, my worst critic, my unlimited source of courage and confidence, my love, my life, my wife. A month ago she died during her surgery. She met with an accident on the way back from the market. She had planned a surprise for me. She was very meticulous in hiding things from me. That day, it all ended. A car, hit her from behind. She was walking on the pavement. But that drunk bastard, hit her, killed her, took her away from me forever. I wont get her back. I wont feel her touch anymore. I wont be able to lie down in her laps anymore. I wont be able to see her beautiful face anymore. I wont be able to be myself anymore. This is my story. This is me...left behind with nothing but memories. Left behind with numerous questions, that who should I blame?? My wife for planning a surprise?? Myself for allowing her to hide things from me?? That person who was riding the car?? Or the alcohol that he had taken?? Who should I put the blame on?? And what is in there for me?? She wont come back. She never will. Its I who has to accept the fact and live with it. For this has made me learn one thing. "Time doesnt heal anything at all, it only heals the wound, but the scar, it becomes a part of who you are and what you are."