When I woke up in the morning, it was nothing new to me. Everything, every feeling was the same. The hollow in my heart, the void that I feel was still there. Panned out against the bed frame was past me, poor innocent me. On one side of the frame was me, and on the other was my past. My memories. And infront of those memories I was poor, because back then I had people with me. I had her with me. But now I was alone. I looked out through the window, it was a yellow morning today. These mornings, these times are such that they make you walk down your memory lane and makes you come across such memories that gives you pain. But for me this pain was good. It was the only thing that kept me alive. For it was the only way I could feel her, by missing her. It was the only way I assured myself that she was real. Turning to the other side, I looked around my room. And eventually my eyes were set on the same thing that they usually deny to move away from every morning. That coffee mug. The only gift that we both had together. This was one of the pair. The other one was gone, along with her. Sweet painful memories again occupied my thoughts. Sweet because that day in the past, was really memorable. And painful because such a day, with her will never come again. No day will ever come again when I will be with her. These thoughts made me go into a state of limbo. A state where you find nothing but darkness. I don't know since how many days I have been like this. I have really lost the count of the days even. What day was today?? Was it a sunday?? It might be, because I wasn't able to hear the normal hype and noise from the streets that usually comes during weekdays.
Suddenly a melodious noise made me come back to my senses. Melodious because it was the doorbell, and noise because I wasnt completely awake yet. I still wanted to sleep. Still somehow I managed to get up and walk towards the door. I wasnt expecting anyone at this time of the day. Actually no one comes over to my place to meet me. To be frank I enjoy my privacy. On opening the door I found no one. For a moment I got too irritated with the neighbourhood boys, for they play such kind of pranks always. But then I found an envelope lying down at the door step. I looked around to make sure it wasn't a part of the prank. then picked it up and closed the door. On the way back to the bedroom rather thatn opening it up, I thought about who might have sent it to me. I was never so close to my family that they would send me a letter. From workplace I had been getting a lot of calls, but never responded to any. Somehow I felt that this was my letter of dissmisal from work. Sitting on the bed I didnt feel like opening it up, but there was this urge to know what it actually was. For a long time now, I hated to believe in what i feel, because all that I felt, hurt me. I looked at that envelope. On it was written, "THAT WHAT HAS BEEN LOST". This stir up something in me. It wasn't addressed to anyone, nor on it was mentioned from where did it come from. I opened the envelope and took out what seemed to be a letter from within. On opening it, I read the first word. No this isn't true, this can't happen. Everything inside of me was pulled to a point somewhere to the left of my body, where people usually say the heart beats. I felt something that I had never felt before. A pain that was too painful to be real. I couldn't move, I wanted to shout...but was only able to mouth words. There was no voice from within to give them their proper meaning. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them. I wanted this bad dream to end. But this wasn't a dream. It was real. I still had that letter in my hand. I was feeling numb. A fire of pain took over me. The numbness started from my heart and then ran all over me. My hands, my legs, my complete body, I felt nothing.
This had to stop. I can't let this feeling take over again. I had to know what did this mean. And only way to know that was where this letter came from?? Somehow I got up and walked towards the door. That walk was the longest walk of my life. All the yestyears, all the memories, feelings, I lived all of them in a few steps. Somewhere in the back of my find I was knowing that there would be no one on the other side of the door. But still this urge, this insatiable feeling, this rush of adrenaline, just couldn't deal with it. Finally I reached the door. On a normal day, for a normal person this is a very stupid thing to be standing near the door thinking to open it or not. But for me, it was a decision that I had to make, for I knew the consequences. Gathering up all the shattered courage from within I opened the door. The reality hit me harder than I expected. There was no one. Still I couldnt stop myself from walking further to end of the driveway. The only question I had in mind was, where was I going?? When I reached at the end of the driveway, I haulted. My legs didnt move, I didnt want them to move. I wanted to stop. Stop all of this. Suddenly it started raining. I could not make out that whether my cheeks got wet due to the rain or due to the tears that had started flowing. Even nature played its role. It was as if it was making fun of me. I wasnt even allowed to cry. I wasnt even allowed to feel my own tears. She always said, crying out makes you feel better. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to cry. The crying serum fell more and more. But I wasnt able to feel a bit of it. It didnt make me feel any better.
I walked back into the house. As I moved to the study, and switched on the lights, I noticed that the letter had got wet. I couldn't afford that. I sat down at the table, and opened the letter. It read:
hey stupid,
I am sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone. But I couldnt even have brought you along with me. Don't worry. I am fine here. I dont have any problems and concerns here. I have been watching you since long. What have you done to yourself?? First thing that you are going to do after reading this letter for atleast 5 times (i know you would do that) is go and shave. Look at you..you seem to be a terrorist. And please, you need to take care of yourself. I wont be saying you always when to sleep and when to get up. You are a big boy now, aren't you? But you know what baby, I have some regrets. I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to be with you for some more time. Well I had planned for a long term, but we always do not get what we want. There are a lot of things that I want to say you. I wish I could say you...I wish I could talk to you. How can you be so dependent on me?? How can you be so weak?? You have to be strong love. But you know what, this thing about you, the way u behaved like a child, the way you would come home and just cuddle beside me and hold me tight, I miss those moments. I know you want a lot of answers from me and right now you have a lot of confusions. But I would start with a few things I want you to thank about. For being there to hear me out at times. For bearing with my ever-swinging moods, for never complaining about anything, and for being such a wonderful person to me, and many more courtless reasons. Along with that I would like to apologise too..though you never say so, but I am sorry for having hurt you for many times, which I know I did.
Never ever think that you are alone. I am always there with you. Around you. Loving you, watching you, scolding you. Well you always do things that makes me scold you. Now stop smiling, will you? Never question yourself that where I am?? You will always find me within you. I have been there within you for long. This house, I have had many memories with you here. I am there in every part of it. May it be the kitchen where you always made me sit on the slab while you cooked (well to mention I loved the food that you made), or the couch where we had endless conversations, or the bed where you spent maximum time looking at me. I never knew how could you look at me for so long without getting bored? Your passion for things sometimes amazed me.
As I do not have much time, I want you to know something. This is something that I read in an article, wont quote the exact words, but I want you to know, that you are an amazing person and I have always loved you for what you are. Life isn't easy, by the time you get this letter you already have known. I will always love you no matter whatever comes in between us. But you need to be strong. Your life doesnt end here. Its just the beginning. You have to live for yourself as well as for me. You have to follow your dreams and achieve them. Only then I would be happy. And you always said all you wanted to do is to make me happy. So do this for me. This is the last thing that I would ask you to do for me. I have to go now, I dont know whether I would come back or not. But I want to come back. I want to be with you. I want you to adore me, love me, hold me. I am nervous. I dont want to leave. Please take me away with you. I know I will get cured if I stay with you. I do not need these doctors, nor do I need any medicines. I need you to hold me, and say I am safe. I love you always.
Without wax,
.....
I felt a strange calm. This was her last letter. I don't know when did she manage to write this. But she did. She was my best friend, my worst critic, my unlimited source of courage and confidence, my love, my life, my wife. A month ago she died during her surgery. She met with an accident on the way back from the market. She had planned a surprise for me. She was very meticulous in hiding things from me. That day, it all ended. A car, hit her from behind. She was walking on the pavement. But that drunk bastard, hit her, killed her, took her away from me forever. I wont get her back. I wont feel her touch anymore. I wont be able to lie down in her laps anymore. I wont be able to see her beautiful face anymore. I wont be able to be myself anymore. This is my story. This is me...left behind with nothing but memories. Left behind with numerous questions, that who should I blame?? My wife for planning a surprise?? Myself for allowing her to hide things from me?? That person who was riding the car?? Or the alcohol that he had taken?? Who should I put the blame on?? And what is in there for me?? She wont come back. She never will. Its I who has to accept the fact and live with it. For this has made me learn one thing. "Time doesnt heal anything at all, it only heals the wound, but the scar, it becomes a part of who you are and what you are."
Suddenly a melodious noise made me come back to my senses. Melodious because it was the doorbell, and noise because I wasnt completely awake yet. I still wanted to sleep. Still somehow I managed to get up and walk towards the door. I wasnt expecting anyone at this time of the day. Actually no one comes over to my place to meet me. To be frank I enjoy my privacy. On opening the door I found no one. For a moment I got too irritated with the neighbourhood boys, for they play such kind of pranks always. But then I found an envelope lying down at the door step. I looked around to make sure it wasn't a part of the prank. then picked it up and closed the door. On the way back to the bedroom rather thatn opening it up, I thought about who might have sent it to me. I was never so close to my family that they would send me a letter. From workplace I had been getting a lot of calls, but never responded to any. Somehow I felt that this was my letter of dissmisal from work. Sitting on the bed I didnt feel like opening it up, but there was this urge to know what it actually was. For a long time now, I hated to believe in what i feel, because all that I felt, hurt me. I looked at that envelope. On it was written, "THAT WHAT HAS BEEN LOST". This stir up something in me. It wasn't addressed to anyone, nor on it was mentioned from where did it come from. I opened the envelope and took out what seemed to be a letter from within. On opening it, I read the first word. No this isn't true, this can't happen. Everything inside of me was pulled to a point somewhere to the left of my body, where people usually say the heart beats. I felt something that I had never felt before. A pain that was too painful to be real. I couldn't move, I wanted to shout...but was only able to mouth words. There was no voice from within to give them their proper meaning. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them. I wanted this bad dream to end. But this wasn't a dream. It was real. I still had that letter in my hand. I was feeling numb. A fire of pain took over me. The numbness started from my heart and then ran all over me. My hands, my legs, my complete body, I felt nothing.
This had to stop. I can't let this feeling take over again. I had to know what did this mean. And only way to know that was where this letter came from?? Somehow I got up and walked towards the door. That walk was the longest walk of my life. All the yestyears, all the memories, feelings, I lived all of them in a few steps. Somewhere in the back of my find I was knowing that there would be no one on the other side of the door. But still this urge, this insatiable feeling, this rush of adrenaline, just couldn't deal with it. Finally I reached the door. On a normal day, for a normal person this is a very stupid thing to be standing near the door thinking to open it or not. But for me, it was a decision that I had to make, for I knew the consequences. Gathering up all the shattered courage from within I opened the door. The reality hit me harder than I expected. There was no one. Still I couldnt stop myself from walking further to end of the driveway. The only question I had in mind was, where was I going?? When I reached at the end of the driveway, I haulted. My legs didnt move, I didnt want them to move. I wanted to stop. Stop all of this. Suddenly it started raining. I could not make out that whether my cheeks got wet due to the rain or due to the tears that had started flowing. Even nature played its role. It was as if it was making fun of me. I wasnt even allowed to cry. I wasnt even allowed to feel my own tears. She always said, crying out makes you feel better. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to cry. The crying serum fell more and more. But I wasnt able to feel a bit of it. It didnt make me feel any better.
I walked back into the house. As I moved to the study, and switched on the lights, I noticed that the letter had got wet. I couldn't afford that. I sat down at the table, and opened the letter. It read:
hey stupid,
I am sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone. But I couldnt even have brought you along with me. Don't worry. I am fine here. I dont have any problems and concerns here. I have been watching you since long. What have you done to yourself?? First thing that you are going to do after reading this letter for atleast 5 times (i know you would do that) is go and shave. Look at you..you seem to be a terrorist. And please, you need to take care of yourself. I wont be saying you always when to sleep and when to get up. You are a big boy now, aren't you? But you know what baby, I have some regrets. I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to be with you for some more time. Well I had planned for a long term, but we always do not get what we want. There are a lot of things that I want to say you. I wish I could say you...I wish I could talk to you. How can you be so dependent on me?? How can you be so weak?? You have to be strong love. But you know what, this thing about you, the way u behaved like a child, the way you would come home and just cuddle beside me and hold me tight, I miss those moments. I know you want a lot of answers from me and right now you have a lot of confusions. But I would start with a few things I want you to thank about. For being there to hear me out at times. For bearing with my ever-swinging moods, for never complaining about anything, and for being such a wonderful person to me, and many more courtless reasons. Along with that I would like to apologise too..though you never say so, but I am sorry for having hurt you for many times, which I know I did.
Never ever think that you are alone. I am always there with you. Around you. Loving you, watching you, scolding you. Well you always do things that makes me scold you. Now stop smiling, will you? Never question yourself that where I am?? You will always find me within you. I have been there within you for long. This house, I have had many memories with you here. I am there in every part of it. May it be the kitchen where you always made me sit on the slab while you cooked (well to mention I loved the food that you made), or the couch where we had endless conversations, or the bed where you spent maximum time looking at me. I never knew how could you look at me for so long without getting bored? Your passion for things sometimes amazed me.
As I do not have much time, I want you to know something. This is something that I read in an article, wont quote the exact words, but I want you to know, that you are an amazing person and I have always loved you for what you are. Life isn't easy, by the time you get this letter you already have known. I will always love you no matter whatever comes in between us. But you need to be strong. Your life doesnt end here. Its just the beginning. You have to live for yourself as well as for me. You have to follow your dreams and achieve them. Only then I would be happy. And you always said all you wanted to do is to make me happy. So do this for me. This is the last thing that I would ask you to do for me. I have to go now, I dont know whether I would come back or not. But I want to come back. I want to be with you. I want you to adore me, love me, hold me. I am nervous. I dont want to leave. Please take me away with you. I know I will get cured if I stay with you. I do not need these doctors, nor do I need any medicines. I need you to hold me, and say I am safe. I love you always.
Without wax,
.....
I felt a strange calm. This was her last letter. I don't know when did she manage to write this. But she did. She was my best friend, my worst critic, my unlimited source of courage and confidence, my love, my life, my wife. A month ago she died during her surgery. She met with an accident on the way back from the market. She had planned a surprise for me. She was very meticulous in hiding things from me. That day, it all ended. A car, hit her from behind. She was walking on the pavement. But that drunk bastard, hit her, killed her, took her away from me forever. I wont get her back. I wont feel her touch anymore. I wont be able to lie down in her laps anymore. I wont be able to see her beautiful face anymore. I wont be able to be myself anymore. This is my story. This is me...left behind with nothing but memories. Left behind with numerous questions, that who should I blame?? My wife for planning a surprise?? Myself for allowing her to hide things from me?? That person who was riding the car?? Or the alcohol that he had taken?? Who should I put the blame on?? And what is in there for me?? She wont come back. She never will. Its I who has to accept the fact and live with it. For this has made me learn one thing. "Time doesnt heal anything at all, it only heals the wound, but the scar, it becomes a part of who you are and what you are."
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